[RL with Remus]

[why_so_me]

Remus was acting weird. He was sure of that much. He'd been avoiding Sirius as much as he possibly could ever since the full moon, and tried to keep away from talking to him or making eye contact as much as possible. Sirius had thought Remus was okay with how things had happened during the full moon -- he'd seemed okay with it, anyhow, after his transformation. But now he was acting upset. And bizarrely enough, he was only acting upset towards Sirius, and not James.

He sat in the Gryffindor Common Room, cutting History of Magic so he could be around when he knew Remus would have a study break. Sirius could handle getting a detention from Prof. Binns. He was more focused on finding out what was happening with Moony.

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[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus came into the Common Room on his study break, knowing that his friends or more importantly, Sirius would be in a class, so he'd have a little while to relax. He didn't even look around to see who else was in the common rooms before he went straight to a sofa by the fireplace and collapsed into it. Remus was tired. Tired and confused and ashamed and frightened and in love with his best friend. And as such avoiding him like the plague.

He'd figured it out a few days after that full moon they had together. He'd been sitting watching Sirius and James banter on together, thinking about how nice it had been that they'd done this for him. How nice it was to have Sirius nearby when he needed support. How nice it was when Sirius was around to be there for him in general. How nice it was to have Sirius around in general. How nice Sirius was. Something had twisted in his stomach, tight and floaty feeling all at the same time, and that's when he'd realized it. He loved him. Not just as a friend, not some silly little crush that he'd just get over over night. He loved Sirius Black.

And therefore, couldn't look at him anymore and not know that. Not get that fluttery, light feeling, now accompanied by the deep sinking dread of what would happen if Sirius ever found out. He couldn't find out. Thus, the avoiding.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

Sirius looked up when he heard the portrait hole swing open, watched Moony as he plopped himself onto the sofa. Good. Remus was here, and even better, they were by themselves.

He got up from where he was sitting, walking over to the sofa with his hands stuffed into his pockets. "Moony."

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus, who had been contemplating taking a nap, since he wasn't getting all that much sleep when he was in the dorms, too busy staying up late and waking up early to avoid Sirius, even going so far as to shut his eyes as he sat there on the sofa, startled. Shit! Sirius wasn't supposed to be here, he was supposed to be in class--what was he doing here?!

Remus tried to hide the fact that he was a hairs breadth away from running for the hills. "Hey," he said, as nonchalantly as he could manage in that moment. Which wasn't very nonchalant at all, unfortunately.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

"Hey," Sirius said, noting immediately that Remus looked startled and awkward. Which wasn't usual, not around him, not unless something had happened. "I wanted to talk to you. You have a minute?"

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "I, uh. I mean. Well. If you need to. I've, ehm. I've actually got some work that I need to be doing though. For Defense..." he lied. It hurt, lying to Sirius, and he didn't want to do it, but he wasn't sure what Sirius needed to talk to him about, and he wasn't sure he could talk about it. He edged a little further away, looking ready to bolt at any second.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

"Right. Okay, well, I'll make it quick then," Sirius said, because he really did not want to let Remus go so easily, especially since he'd been getting very skillful at avoiding him these last few days. "I just want to know what's going on. You've been acting weird ever since you-know-when. Did I make you mad or something?"

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus quickly shook his head. "No, you didn't, nothing like that," he said. "I've... I've just been busy. Lots of work to make up for, because of the full moon, and all," he lied.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

Sirius shot him a pleading look. "Remus, come on," he said. "You've been avoiding even talking to me. Even when you're busy you don't do that. I know when something's up, Remus."

With a lower voice, he asked, "Is it about the full?"

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus jumped. "What? No! No. I..." Remus trailed off. "Look, I know that I didn't react in the best way at first, but you caught me by surprise and it honestly wasn't the best time to surprise me. But... I can't even thank the two of you enough for what you've done for me. You shouldn't have, you really shouldn't have, but I'm definitely not angry at you for it."

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

"Okay," Sirius said, smiling a tiny bit; he did feel some relief at that, because he'd really worried that he and James might have screwed up in assuming Remus wanted company during the full moon. "I'm glad. I mean, we really just didn't want you to be by yourself every month in the Shack. So you don't need to thank us."

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Something swelled inside Remus at Sirius's statement--didn't want him to be by himself every month in the Shack. They had absolutely no idea what they were getting themselves into, but they did it anyway. For him. "You did something very kind for me, Sirius. Something very illegal, and very dangerous, but so incredibly thoughtful that I'll forget those other parts, and I l--" he cut himself off. Shit, that had been far too close. He blushed furiously. "I really do need to get that work done," he said, automatically changing his tune and shifting uncomfortably on the sofa again.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

Relief switched very quickly to frustration and concern, because he could tell a switch had flipped somewhere in Remus' brain. He'd been talking like himself, and now he was suddenly backing off, trying to run away. "Then just tell me what's really going on, then, and I'll leave you alone," Sirius said, almost pleading. "Moony, I know when something's up with you. It's not that you're busy with schoolwork."

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus shook his head, staring up at Sirius, his eyes incredibly wide because Sirius knew. Not that he was being very subtle about it, but Sirius knew he was avoiding him, and he really, really couldn't tell him why. "Sirius, please. It's nothing..." he said, trying very hard to not sound like he was pleading with him to stop questioning about it.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

"It's not nothing," Sirius said, knowing just from how Remus was reacting that he had to be right. "Did something happen? Is something wrong? I just want to know what's going on. If something's happened I want to help you out. Not talking to you is weird and I don't like it."

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus sat frozen, staring up at Sirius with impossibly wide brown eyes, shaking his head at him. It was weird not to talk to Sirius for him too. More than weird. He wanted to talk to Sirius, he wanted to spend time with him. More than anyone else. And that's why he couldn't. Not anymore. Not now that he'd figured it out.

"I... I'm sorry," Remus said quietly, "but. I can't. I can't tell you. I can't."

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

"Can you at least tell me why you can't tell me?" Sirius asked, pretty much begging at this point. Why was Remus so good at being stubborn.

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus hated that he was making Sirius beg like this. Hated that he couldn't tell him, that Sirius couldn't know, because this was a big secret, and he was getting used to sharing all of his secrets with Sirius, but he couldn't. Not this one. But he realized he was just going to drive Sirius away anyway, if he didn't give him something to go off of.

"...because...I like having you as my friend," Remus said finally. And I don't want you to leave me, Remus continued in his head. Especially not now that I...have feelings for you. Hell, no, he was never telling Sirius any of this. He flushed, embarrassed and ashamed of himself.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

Sirius looked at him, trying to piece together what that meant. He couldn't imagine Remus doing something that would be so terrible that Sirius wouldn't want to be friends with him. Knowing Remus, it wasn't something that bad, but he'd blown it out of proportion in his mind. "Moony, unless you, I don't know, killed somebody or threw puppies into a river, I'm still always going to be your friend," Sirius said.

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus shook his head frantically. "No, I... No killing or harming anyone. It's just..." He looked anguished. "Oh, Sirius, I really just can't. I... This is something I have to deal with on my own. And... I really don't think you'd like it, if you found out." He fidgeted, obviously not enjoying being cornered about this, but not backing down about it either.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

"But I don't like not talking to you and having you avoid me, either," Sirius protested. "Remus, whatever it is, I'm willing to bet it's not nearly that bad. Really. I know you, whatever it is you're hiding isn't going to make me not want to be your friend."

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

"You don't understand Sirius! You think you do, but you really don't!" Remus snapped, immediately regretting raising his voice to his friend. He brought a hand up to cover his eyes, trying to get himself to calm down about it.

"I'm sorry... I. I have to go." He moved to get up.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

Sirius blinked, taken aback by Remus' reaction. Remus snapped at him. Holy crap. For a second, he just sat in stunned silence before he was able to reply. "I..." he started, but then thought better of it. "...alright, then."

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus could have kicked himself, especially for the look on Sirius's face. He flushed a deep red, ashamed of his behavior. He wanted to tell Sirius. Wanted to just get it over with and stop having to hide from him, but he knew that was impossible, and that he could never tell Sirius, ever. He quickly gathered his things before he leaped up from the couch and made a beeline to the portrait and the Prefect's bathroom, the one place where Sirius couldn't find him, if he went looking for him after this. He paused at the portrait, not turning around, because he didn't think he could take that look on Sirius's face again.

"...I'm sorry," he said, quietly, and then he was gone.