[RL with Remus]

[why_so_me]

Sirius was in the Gryffindor common room during one of his study breaks, sitting in one of the armchairs with his books out. He was supposed to be writing a History of Magic essay on the Goblin Wars of South-East Asia, but every time he tried to read another page's worth of information he felt his eyes drooping. Quidditch practice the previous night had been intense, and History of Magic was just. so. boring.

He leaned his head against the the chair. Closing his eyes for a few seconds wouldn't do any damage, right?

Comments

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus clutched his books tight to his chest, crashing through the portait hole and immediately making his way to the stairs to the 5th year boys dormitory. He stop to look around and see if anyone was in the common room, didn't notice Sirius snoozing there with his work in front of him. He just hurried forward, looking, well. Looking troubled, but also looking like he was trying to hide that fact, not wanting to draw too much attention to himself before he disappeared into the dormitory room, his pace just a little bit slower than a full-out dash.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

Siriius blinked awake as someone crashed through the common room. He didn't have time to register what was going on until Remus had already vanished into the dorms. Confused, Sirius followed, poking his head through the dormitory doorway and asking, "Moony?"

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus had tossed all of his books haphazardly onto the bed (instead of putting them in a neat pile on his nightstand like normal), and had wrenched his sweater off over his head, laying it on the ground between his bed and Sirius's, the next one over. He had his wand out, and he was kneeling over it frantically trying to think of the right spell to get rid of the word written there, but he was upset enough about it not to remember what it was. He knew that they'd learned it, and yet.

He jumped as he heard Sirius's voice. "...Sirius," he said, acknowledging the other boy's presence. He tried to think harder, faster about what the spell was, but nothing was coming. Crap. Now Sirius was going to find out about it, too.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

Siriius saw Remus was acting panicky, and he took only a second to figure out the source of it. He stepped closer, tilting his head so he could read what was written, trying to see what had happened to make his friend so upset. "Moony, what's this?"

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Damn it. Damn it. Remus was frustrated, embarrassed, and outright ashamed all at once. As soon as he sense that Sirius was close, he quickly balled up his sweater, so the other boy wouldn't be able to see what had been charmed onto it. He wasn't sure that Sirius hadn't already seen it already, but. Why did this sort of thing have to happen to him?

"It's... It's nothing," Remus said, obviously avoiding the subject at all, obviously hiding his sweater from Sirius as he spoke.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

He only managed to catch a glimpse of letters on the sweater, with no idea what they meant or said. Looking at Remus with concern, Sirius stepped closer, asking, "Moony, c'mon, what's wrong? What happened? Are you okay?"

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

He stood, clutching the sweater to his chest. He obviously wasn't okay at all, and there was no hiding that from Sirius, but. A million things ran through his head at that moment, and he really wanted nothing more than to just be able to run away from everything that was going wrong.

"It's nothing, Sirius. Forget about it," he said, a little harsher than he intended to. He didn't look angry at Sirius, and he wasn't angry at him. He looked like he felt...tired. Sad. Upset.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

"Remus," Sirius said, his voice a little insistent, because he was really worried. And he hated seeing Remus upset, especially when he was trying to hide what was going on. He wanted to help. "Remus, come on, just show me. Is it bad? What happened? I know something's up."

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus thought about his options there. He could keep being difficult, and probably end up making Sirius upset as well as himself being upset. Or he could, well... He could tell Sirius, and probably end up making Sirius upset about the situation too. There really was no winning in this situation. And yet... Sirius really did just want to help. Remus...really didn't want to tell him about this, but he was going to find out sooner or later, and he supposed it'd be better if he found out from the source.

He couldn't say it, though. The words just wouldn't come. So he reluctantly loosened the grip he had on his sweater, holding it awkwardly in front of him for a moment before slowly holding it out to Sirius. He wasn't going to show him, though. Sirius was going to have to look for himself.

((Just in case, Remus's sweater's got the word "pouf" charmed across the front, probably in big, bright colored, obnoxious letters. It's actually fairly easy to charm away, but Remus isn't exactly in the right frame of mind to see that, so. He's kind of really upset about it, and even more upset because he shouldn't be this upset about it ;3;))

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

Sirius looked at the sweater, confusion shifting into anger on his face as he looked at it. "Oh, for fuck's sake," he said, silently cursing out whoever had thought this was funny. "Who did it?"

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus turned his eyes to the ground. "Some younger Slytherins..." he said, softly, embarrassed and ashamed of himself. He didn't know any names, but he did know that they were Regulus's friends, and although Regulus wasn't with them at the time, he didn't want Sirius getting any ideas or jumping to any conclusions there. "I was telling them off for a dungbomb that they threw into the girls' lavatory, and they..." he trailed off, motioning to his sweater.

It was his favorite one, and even if they got the charm off of it, he didn't know if he'd be able to look at it the same way anymore, and this was only the start of it, it was going to get so much worse from there when people realized that it was true, and it just wasn't fair. He honestly felt like crying, but he wasn't sure what Sirius would make of that, so he tried to hold himself off of it.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

Sirius could see how upset Remus was at this, even if he was trying to hide it. He sat on the ground with him, crossing his legs Indian-style. "They probably had no idea," he said quietly. "They just thought of an insult and used it. They've got no reason to know anything."

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus put his head in his hands. "I know, Pads. I knew that, and I still couldn't help it.They were only meaning it as a general insult, but it's... It's true..." It was true, and that was what was so horrible about it. Because it wasn't actually an insult at all. It was fact. Remus was not only something that people were afraid of and despised, but he was something that people made fun of and despised as well. He wondered why it was only really hitting him now, all of this. He supposed it's because his friends were so nice about it, he'd forgotten that almost everyone else (at least in his eyes) was going to be downright awful about it. He groaned.

"And that was my favorite sweater..." he said, trying to keep his voice steady.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

Sirius shifted where he was sitting so that he could put one arm around Remus. He could tell he was trying not to show how upset he was, but he knew it must be hurting him. "Look, don't...don't let this get to you. They were just being dumb, stupid gits and just wanted to get a rise out of you," Sirius said. "And we can charm it off your sweater."

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus leaned in against Sirius, seeking the comfort that the other boy was offering him. "I know. I'm sorry. It shouldn't... I don't know what's the matter with me," he said, glumly. "I know that they weren't being serious, that they were just doing it to pull a prank and that I'm supposed to be annoyed and then just get on with life but I can't. Because it's true, and what if people find out? What if this is only the beginning? What..." Remus let out a frustrated noise, his voice gone thick with emotion. "I already have to hide one thing about myself, Pads, if I have to keep hiding too much else I'm going to be living a complete lie..."

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

"They're not gonna find out," Sirius said with more certainty than he felt. "The only way they could find out is through me or you or Prongs, and none of us are gonna tell a soul. And look, you're not living a lie. You're still you. It's not like you're masking your Remusish-ness. And you have us, and we know, and we're not gonna ever abandon you, okay?"

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

"How can you know that, though?" Remus asked, anguished. "How can you know that you're not going to ever abandon me, Pads? It's never going to be easy. We're going to have our career counseling appointments with McGonagall eventually, and she's going to have to sit there and tell me how bleak everything is going to get from here on out, and it's horrible. Why would you ever keep me around, after school? I'm going to end up a leech. A great big, horrible, gay werewolf leech, and I'll only end up dragging you down too."

Okay, so yes. This business with his sweater had kind of stirred up Remus's horrible self-esteem. He tried to keep it under control, tried to make himself be rational, but. His favorite sweater had a hate slur charmed onto it, and Remus was anything but rational at that moment.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

Sirius blinked at that, not having expected Remus' complete self-esteem implosion.
"Remus," he said, keeping his voice firm. "You're not a leech. You're not going to be a leech. You're going to be our friend, just like you are now. And me and James aren't going to care if you're a gay werewolf, just like we don't care now. And we're not gonna abandon you all of a sudden, because we happen to really like you and want to keep you around."

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus nodded slowly, taking a deep breath. "Yeah," he said quietly. "Sorry. I... I just..." He leaned into Sirius, leaned into the arm that Sirius had put around him, because it was hard not to seem comfort in that touch, not when Sirius was so good at making him feel better all the time. "I. They just really surprised me with this. Freaked me out a little. You know me. I think too hard about everything. And." Remus sighed. "That's my favorite sweater," he said, sheepishly.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

"It's okay," Sirius said, wrapping another arm around Remus so that they were full-on hugging. "It's alright to get startled by this. But it's really, really gonna be okay." He chuckled a little at the comment about it being his favorite sweater. "And we can charm it off and get you your sweater back."

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus rested his head on Sirius's shoulder, taking advantage of the moment just to have a little bit of physical comfort, more than he normally allowed himself to have. "I know. It's probably not even that complicated of a spell. It's just... I can't seem to remember what to do to counteract it." Which said how much it had shaken him, the prank gone wrong, that he was forgetting schoolwork. He never forgot things like that.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

Sirius chuckled. "Lucky, then, that your unflappable friend Padfoot arrived," he said. He disentangled himself from the hug for a moment, pulling out his wand. "Here, give me your sweater."

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus almost automatically missed Sirius's arms around him, but he kicked himself mentally and told himself to just grow up already. He didn't absolutely need the hug, did he? Well. Not absolutely, no. It had been nice, though.

"Here," he said, holding it out to Sirius, still not looking quite in the best of moods, not like himself yet. What was Sirius going to do? Was he going to get his sweater back to normal at the end of this, or was Sirius going to accidentally set it on fire? Only time would tell.

[why-so-me.livejournal.com]

Sirius took the sweater and pointed his wand towards it, taking a moment to remember the charm he wanted. 'Evanesco', he said, praying that only the letters vanished and not the entire sweater. Luckily, his magic worked as he'd wanted, and the word seemed to fade and then disappear completely.

[lycanthropy-101.livejournal.com]

Remus started at the spell that Sirius used to get the letters off. Evanesco? "A...a cleaning charm?" he asked, completely baffled. "All... All it needed was a cleaning charm?" He brought his hands up to his face, tucking his knees against his chest as he leaned back against his bed. "Unbelievable..." he said, clearly upset with himself again, this time for forgetting something as fundamental as that.